For the sexy fairy tale writing contest, I chose a popular story (Rumplestiltskin) and had to spice it up while using the following mandatory "ingredients": a teacher, a strip club, a stovepipe hat, and milk delivery. Here's what I came up with:
Once upon a time there lived an arts and crafts teacher named Beauty, who was descended from Abraham Lincoln. Due to state budget cuts she didnt make much money. Her greatest possessions were the stovepipe hat that belonged to her ancestor and her ability to spin straw into gold.
One spring day the governor paid a visit, asking townsfolk to help solve the budget crisis. Beauty met with him and offered to spin straw into gold for him. But the governor was an amorous man, and couldnt take his eyes off her huge breasts. "No," he said, "I'd rather you make some milk I can deliver to some rich fetishists who will pay top dollar for it."
And so he locked her into the basement of a strip club he owned as a tax shelter, and refused to release her until all the empty jugs were filled. Beauty slumped against a bent stripper pole and sobbed. "Whatever shall I do?"
She heard a noise, and out from the shadows emerged a short nimble man with a crooked grin. "I'll be happy to produce milk, but I won't do it for free."
"Of course," said Beauty. "I have this priceless stovepipe hat which will fetch a handsome price on eBay."
"Bah! I've no need for hats." He grimaced. What I want for you is to call out my name."
"Oh, if that is all, then gladly I will," said Beauty. With that the short man leaned close and whispered in her ear the very word that would save her.
"Rumplstiltken, " she said.
"Not yet," he scolded and proceeded to motor boat the beautiful young teacher to a frenzy. She giggled and hummed and thrummed.
"Oh, Rumplestiltsken," she cooed.
"Louder," he urged, and gave her a different kind of stovepipe.
"Rumplestiltsken!" Shouted Beauty. "Oh god yes, Rumplestiltsken!"
In her excitement she gushed and flushed and flowed, and together they filled all the jugs for the perverted strip club owning governor. She was them freed, and she married Rumplstiltsken and opened a fetish knitting shop with him, and they lived happily ever after.
Just makes you want to learn to knit, eh? I saw some awesome knit hats at this thing.
Anyway, I've managed to avoid the con crud I usually suffer when I get. Williamsburg was cold as usual, but it didn't snow and I didn't spend much time outside. Now we are home and I am back to work, but my husband isn't. The new semester hasn't started yet, so he's keen to drive me crazy until then. He's been cleaning out a back room we hope to use for an office, and he found a box of books.
He thought at first these were books I'd carted around to various events. I used to bring books by other Phaze authors to cons and fairs in order to promote them, but since I've scaled back I ended up sending most of those books back to various place. What hubby found was a box of books by romance authors who inscribed their works to me. I have several Ellora's Cave paperbacks, for example, that I'd either bought or won at cons.
I've read and enjoyed them all. These were gateways to new genres for me, but unfortunately our current living situations will not allow me to keep them. Space is a premium now with the little one growing, and I have to think about what to do with them. My first thought was to bring them to AAD and offer them as giveaways. I also thought to offer them to readers in exchange for postage. I do feel weird about giving away books inscribed directly to me, but I want the authors to know that it's nothing personal. We need to scale down and we're getting rid of all sorts of things. I'm careful about books, however. I want them to go to people who will treasure them. At my husband's school, there's a security guard who loves to read. We give him a sack of used books a few times a year. I don't know if EC is his thing, though. :)
So I will think on this for a while, and hope the universe has a good suggestion for me.